My 12 year old thinks I should become a lesbian
Ok, so I guess you are wondering what the heck? Yep, I was too but before I tell you what my son was thinking I have to give you a heads up about the situation to hand.
Firstly, I am a single mum and have been for quite a while now. However recently I had a short term relationship that ended after almost 8 months and I have to say really during that time I still felt like a single mum. Here’s why!
Having someone around occasionally was nice – I mean the adult kind variety of nice – affection, attention, someone to talk adult and do adult stuff with was great. However after a two week holiday to Hawaii, the other half decided – “he was not feeling it” and even though I “was the most beautiful, kind, classy lady” he still couldn’t commit his heart any further to the relationship so Poof! He was gone. Ended, amputated and now no more contact. Ghosted!
What a crock! Seriously to tell someone that is a load of BS! It’s the whole “it’s not you, it’s me” scenario. As it turned out, it seems he also faked other things during our time together. His issue and his lessons yet to learn. Soooo I’m not going to bang on here with any sour grapes as that is what it will seem like.
What I want to do though is unwind how many of us singles seem to become entangled in relationships that don’t go anywhere or don’t serve us. Or in the end, and all too late we realize we deserve better and we have accepted or settled for less. WTF! – yep, that was me. In hindsight, I settled for this guy who was not open or honest with me. In the end, I settled for a guy who was secretive, deceptive even, did not want anything to do with my son or my family, was aloof with prioritizing us as a couple even though he called me his GF, was self-absorbed and unwilling to work through a vulnerability within our relationship. – All red flags I should have seen and listened to. Some of these I did see but made a dumb choice to see it through thinking I was in love. I settled for the superficiality of what he could be for me instead of accepting who he was. I had a dream in my head and was trying to make it fit with a guy who was not right for me. This is all kinds of wrong. I felt I was still a single mum, going solo during this time and I did not listen to my intuition that this was not a future at all.
Since the end of our entanglement (and I now refuse to call it a relationship) I have felt a little like an unsafe child went to ground with grief, anxiety, cried my heart out, been angry, sad and lost. I have been debilitated by anxiety so much so that days were just a blur. The loneliness was the worst. No more good morning or good night texts. All gone and an empty hole left in its place.
I have even hated myself, hated this woman that I am or not loved her at full capacity. I have listened to the voices that said she was not good enough, the voices that said she was insignificant, those that told her she was unlovable. I have allowed others to treat her disrespectfully, and gone into battle for others when they were not reciprocating the same. This woman has screwed up, fucked up and become full of fear. This woman who I am has been paralyzed by the fear of being alone for the rest of life on this earth. This woman has been battling a front of “how do I say the right things, how do I do the right thing, how should I react, how should I be?” Questioning every state of her being. Questioning what did go wrong that needs to be figured out? This woman now feels silly and embarrassed. This woman is battling a hurtful war with herself.
Why do I feel so silly about all this though? Here’s what I know for sure…I sold myself short, I am angry at myself for allowing this to happen and now I am working on filling my cup of self-love right back up. I let this happen – no-one else. It was me who settled, it was me who said subconsciously – “this will do!” …I let him have the power and now I am taking it back. My mistakes are that I am too fricking nice when it comes to partners. I am accommodating, compromising one as I love seeing others happy – I do. What I tend to do though is forget my boundaries and place my partners on a pedestal when I shouldn’t. I put them first unconditionally and forget who I am. I forgot my own needs and shut down to my voice. I am learning this the hard way but this last time it hit me. I have learned that I must love me first, unconditionally before I do it all again. Here’s where I am at!
This woman is a worthy warrior. A graceful willing human being who will fail, who will fall, who will make mistakes, who will stand again. This woman is not apologetic for being real, being one who hopes to love again, being the one who will love again. This woman is doing the inner work. This woman is brave, courageous and kind. Compassionate and loyal. This woman is alive and living present. This woman is the kind of woman you would want to back you. This woman is healing and is unstoppable.
In time and with the inner work the hurt will fade. I know it will as I am now doing the work – ON ME! To find how to love myself more fully, turn up for myself and stand up for my inner voice and intuition, I have turned to many self-help books, natural therapies and using my aromatherapy. One blend I have in particular has helped me through this gloomy state – It’s called Console and it has been an absolute Godsend. Seriously this blend has helped my heart heal from the grief and sadness after a breakup. I have been rolling that stuff on my wrists and my neck and diffusing it daily for the past two weeks. Check it out here!
I am now manifesting the type of relationship I will have in my life. After watching “The Secret” again recently it hit me like a hammer between the eyes – I have to be more specific about this whole manifesting stuff. I have to ask for what I want and not repeat in my mind what I don’t want. I got it completely wrong. I was manifesting from my fears of loss, abandonment, anxiety, neediness and I have to manifest from totally the opposite. How will my next relationship make me feel? – I am now manifesting that I want to be in a relationship where I am loved, heard, listened to, adored, accepted, prioritized, turned on, supported, sexually alive, sensual and feminine. What do you manifest?
I am owning my shit, owning, accepting and allowing my voice and my emotions, loving my body and who I am and now I have a manifesto’s manifesto of what I will not tolerate in a relationship. I mean it’s one killer of a list. Right down to tin tacks of what my partner will look like. How tall, what color hair and eyes. I could have included undies and socks but geez that would have been too superficial I guess. So… based on how I will feel around this guy to come I have a major list of “feel goods” as well as some physical traits. Some of you might think that is being shallowed looking for his physical traits but I don’t care anymore. This whole universal law of manifesting is meant to be specific. For some of us gals that mean visually appealing. I am one of those gals who is a visual appreciator and the man on her arm has to be well-groomed with physical chemistry. It just has to be there for me.
Ok, I can hear some of you scratching your heads or laughing that I have this mega list that maybe no-man could live up to. Well maybe so but here is also what I know about me and now what I believe!
I have a huge heart worthy of love, worthy of that freakin list and he is out there. He will find me and I will find him. He will accept me with my son. He will accept my package deal.
Now, where does my son’s comment come into all this? Yep, he is part of the amazing package that is me. One of the things I felt really silly and angry about was that for a moment in time (about 8 months worth) I overlooked the one largest priority in my life – my son. He is my blood, my DNA and my best mate. He is there for me when the shit hits the fan. In his capacity of a 12-year-old, he has the wisdom of Yoda. Soooo many times he has seen me cry, be angry, frustrated and acting all sorts of emotions as we do when the chips are down and we flounder with how to deal with our inner turmoil.
His latest though was the turning point for me. Let’s say it was an AHA moment that I will never forget. Driving along one morning to school as some tears rolled down my cheeks (I should not have been listening to those love songs we had played during the last 8 months) he looked over and said “Mum – maybe you should be a lesbian! Men are just not good enough for you” With that I almost crashed the car as it was so out of the blue. I fell into a state of laughter and tears as it struck me momentarily that perhaps it was something I hadn’t considered but clearly he had. I didn’t think he would know what a lesbian meant either at this time in his life but in his sincerity, he got it all right. He saw my hurt, my tears and knows my gal friends are the ones who support me too. He has seen me with my gal pals and how we laugh, have cups of tea and just connect about all sorts of life stuff. He has seen me come away with a hug and a smile when I have interacted with my girlfriends. He knows how much love I have and wants me to be happy. This advice from him was priceless though. To all my gal pals – please know I haven’t jumped the fence, not yet anyway, but love you so much more for being there when I wasn’t for myself. To my son keep it coming. I love your view on life and can’t wait for a real loving man to see the whole package of you and me someday.